Doc "Tickles"

(Inspired by the direction and quality of some modern research, as well as some of the so-called "science news" stories that pop up, I decided to write the following little story. Keep in mind that it's all fiction — or is it?)

Amazing Science in the News!

LIGHTENING STRIKES TO THE HEAD
CAUSE HUMANS TO SPEAK INTELLIGENTLY


[Transcript of ZBS live interview with Dr. Tickles, aired on the Nightly News Report, February 13, 2004]

Ever wonder how human beings evolved the ability to speak so intelligently, to sing opera, and to report the news? Well, one scientist may just have the answer.

According to Dr. "Tickles" Wooflebreth of the Wilfurt Sanitarium Approach to Human Meaning Institute (WSAHMI), human beings may have developed speech after being struck in the head by lightening. He developed his hypothesis while working as a maintenance technician at the Chambers of Artificial Holographic Rehabilitation Testing School (CHARTS) program in Gary, Indiana.

Dr. Wooflebreth, is it true that you were able to make your initial breakthrough while working as a night janitor at CHARTS -- while you were still doing correspondence-school graduate work for your doctorate?

"Yah. Oh, yah!"

Tell us how that happened, Doctor.

"Vell, you know we gots the patients dere who vere needing some treatments. And when I was done mit my werk of mopping der floors, I sometimes helped out, you know."

Now correct me, Dr. Wooflebreth, if I'm wrong, but as a student of the human bio-electrical system, you had been told when hired at CHARTS that you could study the patients in the sanitarium-school, so long as you kept all the floors mopped and waxed twice a week. Is that true, Doctor?

"Yah. So I tried the electro-shock treatments on some of them. Especially if they had not responded to the shocks and treatments administered by the real doctors during the daytime. Of course, I knew nossing about how the equipment verked, so I had to do a lot of experimenting. It was a lot of fun. Boy oh boy!"

So the real breakthrough came when you far exceeded the normal human capacity for electrical shock. Right?

"Yah. Oh boy, they sing like little birdies, they do, if you give ‘em enough voltage. Heh heh."

There was trouble when some of the patients died from the late night treatments, wasn’t there?

“Yah. But CHARTS was able to smooth things over, receiving extra monies from PBS' NOVA series and from the Science Channel for my "ground-breaking" research into the human capacity for misery and pain. And that money made a whole lot of difference. Now they knew I was somebody.”

What happened next?

"Vell, anyway. I was told to try and control myself a little bit, but to go ahead with the experiments, if I was done with all my cleaning verk. Just like before.

"So that's when I really jumped up the voltage, which fried the brains of most of my subjects. Too bad for them. But one man lived, anyways."

And it was the one patient who lived that you were able to use for your final doctorate project?

"Yah. Heh heh. 'Sparky' we called him, because... vell, you can guess why we called him Sparky, heh heh."

After completing your graduate work and earning your doctorate, Dr. Wooflebreth, you were added to the WSAHMI staff in East Los Angeles. And there you were able to fully develop your hypothesis on the influences of electrical shock on the development of the human brain.

You centered your attention on the relationship of electricity to the origins of human speech. Is that right?

"Yah. Oh boy, they sing like little birdies, they do, if you give them enough voltage. Heh heh."

Recruiting volunteers off the street, Dr. Tickles, you were able to work out many of the kinks in your earlier theories?

“Yah. And finally, I zeroed in on the theory that would engrave my name on the annals of human achievements. I think they call it the ‘Annals of Human Achievements’ Award.”

And how did that research turn out?

"Oh boy, they sing like little birdies, when you give them enough juice. Heh heh."

Anyway, tell us Dr. Wooflebreth, when did you know you had really solid evidence to support your view of the origins of human speech?

“Vell, you know we had to fry a lot of brains to get where we are today. Nossing great comes without pain and suffering. And boy, did they suffer! Heh heh.

"But we knew we had a good case when we ran out of volunteers. Eventually, the word got around that our testing left people very different. And not usually in a good way, these differences. Some people started calling me, 'Dr. Frankenheimer'..."

You mean, 'Frankenstein.'

"Whatever."

But you did have a series of successful experiments, right? A measurable progress in evidences to give support to your arguments? You know, the old "proof is in the pudding" kind of stuff?

"No, not really. Never cared much for puddings, myself. Always a Jello man, you know. ‘J-E-L-L-O!’ Anyway, the funding ran out and the AMA was threatening to shut us down. The neighbors were complaining about the burning smells every day. And besides, our food bill at the Hamburger Shack was so high, they cut us off, the dirty birds.

"So we decided it was time to publish our papers, and tell the werld what we vere sinking. So we had to sink up something. We figured that the only vay to get that much voltage in Neanderthal times was to get a lightening strike on the head. So dere you go, and that’s what we decided to say."

Oh. Really? Gosh, it’s not like that in the movies. So what did the scientific community have to say about your findings? Do you have a lot of support?

"Yah, we got some support, here and dere, you know. The evolutionists love me, you know. The medical doctors awarded me a plaque for extreme quackery. And I think I’m up for an Oscar, or somezing, in Hollywood. But you know how it is. Always a lot of jealousy among the scientists."

I see. Well, thank you, Dr. Tickles, for your time.

And there you have it folks, the world’s first live interview with Dr. "Tickles" Wooflebreth. As always we bring you the best of the best in new scientific research and discovery.

When you need to know, you know where you can go. This is Alec McZophkins, saying, "Good Night" from East Los Angeles.

Back to you, Dan.

End of clip.





©2004 Jim Sutton
originally published at http://jimsdesk.goodwordusa.org

reproduced here by the author